Declaration

Friday, (if I had a dollar for every time I spelled Friday "Firday" first, I could buy a summer house in the Hamptons.), I had my session with The Happy Body Coach.

And the Medusa that is my ex-husband made an appearance yet again.

Please know that the ex and I have made our peace and buried the hatchet (and not in his head, amazingly).
But the tape that he "gave" me all those years ago still plays on in my head. On a loop.
At this point dealing with it is kind of pissing me off, like dusting. I did this already! Why do I have to keep doing it?!

The last six months of my very short marriage were, shall we say, not good.
Every night, before he went up to bed, he would read off the list of things that were wrong with me, along with the myriad of ways I had fucked up that day. From not vacuuming correctly, to his lunch not being hot (it was hot when I brought it to him at 12:30, but somehow it was my fault he didn't get to eat it until 2). He wanted breakfast at 6:30 AM AND he wanted me to be happy about doing that. (Actually on that count, I wasn't unhappy, I just have Bitchy Resting Face. Heh.)

So...the tape goes like this (just the three high points):

1. No one will ever want you again. 
2. You don't look normal. 
3. You are a dud. 

Subsequently, every break-up, every mistaken "he likes me", every unnoticed attempt at on-line dating, every "I like you, but...", just confirmed the tape. And thus, on it played. Over. And over. And over.

Until it became, not his voice, but MINE. My own personal Wormtongue, haunting my inner Eowyn.

Here then, is my declaration (and this also applies to my rapist):

Guess what motherfucker - I WANT ME. 

I am a strong, vibrant, BEAUTIFUL woman and you have no business with me. You are beneath me.

RIGHT NOW, I claim back my power, my beauty, my magnificence. 

I claim back my face, my body, my sexual self.

I claim back that young girl - that adventurous, brilliant, brave, sparkling, witty, vivacious, funny girl. 

I AM NOT FOR THE LIKES OF YOU.

I belong to me, and I will protect, cherish, love, nurture myself. TREASURE myself. 

I AM a PEARL and you are swine.
I am a dangerous, powerful woman and if you aren't up to that, get the fuck away from me.
I WILL NOT APOLOGIZE FOR MYSELF EVER AGAIN. 

Astrid, Eowyn, me. We are one. And we are not to be trifled with.