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February 18, 2016

Shocked and Sad

My ex-husband died suddenly yesterday morning of a heart attack. He was 59.

When I was 7, I fell off the top of the slide and landed on my stomach.
It feels like that; I cannot get enough air. And it surprises me because he was an awful husband - abusive both physically and mentally. But we did make The Boy. And that was good.

My heart breaks for The Boy. He and his father were making their way back to each other after a long estrangement. He wouldn't have met The Girl if it weren't for The X.

My thoughts are all jumbled up.

On the one hand...I remember what a good father he was when The Boy was a baby. He took him everywhere; sewed him clothes (he was an expert tailor), and a little roll up changing table/bed,

and a baby carrier (we couldn't afford to buy one). I did not give that child a bath until he was 6 months old and we were visiting my parents in Alaska, because The X claimed it as his job. He was always proud of The Boy. Always. 

And on the other...I read the accolades about him on the current wife's FB page (she seems to be a lovely person and The Boy likes her) and cannot reconcile the person I was married to to the one she's married to. How The Girl speaks of him, as a friend, a protective uncle, is foreign to me. Someone said he must have been a great dad because look how well The Boy turned out. I confess that a FURY rose up in me because he didn't have one fucking thing to do with how The Boy turned out. (to The X's credit, he gave me the credit) He left before The Boy was 2 and was present for maybe 3 years total after that (I am being ever so generous). He stood that child up so many times I lost count. There were several years we didn't know if he was alive.

And yet...I am sad, which makes me feel like I'm intruding on The Boy's grief somehow.
Like I don't have the right to be sad and a bit angry - although at what or why I don't know.
It's not as if we talked every week. The last time I really talked to him was several years ago when he drunk dialed me (and told me he always loved me). I saw him at THE Wedding last June, but we didn't say much. Wasn't much of a chance really; they came right before the wedding started and left directly after.

Still. It seems unbelievable.