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July 10, 2016

Still Here

I got nothing. Or, more accurately, I got so much I can't articulate it. Mostly to do with the state of these "united" states.

Being on the empath scale, albeit on the lower end, all of this chaos swirling around the world weighs on me. So much that I deal with it by shutting down. That ain't right, I know.

I am THIS CLOSE to stepping off Facebook until...I don't know when. I'm unfollowing a few, that helps.

In other news, my yard is inundated with poison ivy and STUPID mimosa trees. Gawd, I hate both of them with a passion. My neighbor came over to warn me about the poison ivy (it's all along our shared fence line) and told me her son (didn't know what it was) pulled up a bunch by hand (EEK!) and is on his second round of prednisone. It is rampant this year for some reason.

I did take a little trip over to Tampa for my niece's wedding the beginning of June. I hadn't seen her and her brother since 2001. Hadn't seen my brother and other niece since Mom's funeral in 2011. Saw a good friend in Fernandina Beach twice, my 4th double cousin once removed and her husband once, had boiled peanuts, caramel cake (twice!) and ate my weight in fried shrimp. So that was fun. Also realized I never ever want to live in Tampa and revised my "never want to live any further south [in Florida] than St. Augustine" to "no further south than Fernandina Beach". A side note: the further south one goes, the fewer Prius' one sees.

Guess that's it for now.

February 18, 2016

Shocked and Sad

My ex-husband died suddenly yesterday morning of a heart attack. He was 59.

When I was 7, I fell off the top of the slide and landed on my stomach.
It feels like that; I cannot get enough air. And it surprises me because he was an awful husband - abusive both physically and mentally. But we did make The Boy. And that was good.

My heart breaks for The Boy. He and his father were making their way back to each other after a long estrangement. He wouldn't have met The Girl if it weren't for The X.

My thoughts are all jumbled up.

On the one hand...I remember what a good father he was when The Boy was a baby. He took him everywhere; sewed him clothes (he was an expert tailor), and a little roll up changing table/bed,

and a baby carrier (we couldn't afford to buy one). I did not give that child a bath until he was 6 months old and we were visiting my parents in Alaska, because The X claimed it as his job. He was always proud of The Boy. Always. 

And on the other...I read the accolades about him on the current wife's FB page (she seems to be a lovely person and The Boy likes her) and cannot reconcile the person I was married to to the one she's married to. How The Girl speaks of him, as a friend, a protective uncle, is foreign to me. Someone said he must have been a great dad because look how well The Boy turned out. I confess that a FURY rose up in me because he didn't have one fucking thing to do with how The Boy turned out. (to The X's credit, he gave me the credit) He left before The Boy was 2 and was present for maybe 3 years total after that (I am being ever so generous). He stood that child up so many times I lost count. There were several years we didn't know if he was alive.

And yet...I am sad, which makes me feel like I'm intruding on The Boy's grief somehow.
Like I don't have the right to be sad and a bit angry - although at what or why I don't know.
It's not as if we talked every week. The last time I really talked to him was several years ago when he drunk dialed me (and told me he always loved me). I saw him at THE Wedding last June, but we didn't say much. Wasn't much of a chance really; they came right before the wedding started and left directly after.

Still. It seems unbelievable.